imPerfect victims / talking about rape with my dad
Over the past few years, I’ve read numerous books on the dangerous rise of Men’s Rights Activist Groups and incels who want to draft women as sexual servants the way men were drafted in the Vietnam War, studies on police bias against rape victims and their disproportionate belief in false accusations, heard countless quips from men and women of all ages undermining victims who reported, watched Christine Blasey Ford be grilled and discredited as she stood up against Brett Kavanaugh when I was in high school, and - with no surprise - have had my own rape questioned by my personal biases against myself a million times over.
I met my rapist the day of my assault through a friend of a friend. A bunch of other kids and I got dinner together at a dining hall off campus. He sat diagonally across from me at a large circular table. I thought he was cute, though a little awkward. That tended to be my preference for men. I think I found the shyness to be comforting.
When we started drinking at my friend's dorm before the party, I flirted with him here and there, but we never sat down and talked. I was wearing skinny jeans, which I usually shy away from. I have wide hips and I am quite busty. When I went through puberty in high school I learned quickly what it meant for me to show off my figure and I hated the attention. From time to time, I wanted to feel sexy as anyone does, especially because I was interested in a boy. As stupid as it sounds, the fact that I was interested in him and especially that I had been wearing tight clothes contributed to me feeling like I had asked for it.
I share this aspect of my assault because I have gotten so many messages from women after the release of my first essay about feeling afraid to classify their experiences as rape. I did, too. For years.
The truth is, this boy could have asked for my phone number, could have taken me on a date, could have asked me to accompany him back to his dorm earlier in the night before I was drunk beyond a point of comprehension. He could have expressed his interest in me a million other ways. Instead he waited. He waited and waited until I couldn’t say yes, no, maybe, or anything of the sorts because I was barely a living, breathing person. Finding a girl sexually attractive when she can’t even hold her own weight is sickening to me. I had one of his friends the next day tell me he thought I was ‘so pretty’ while he was raping me. I will never shake the mix of disgust and confusion that comment gives me every time I repeat it.
He had somehow gotten ahold of my snapchat. I can’t remember if I gave it to him or if he got it from someone else. He asked me a few days later if I wanted to ‘hang out again’. I obviously said no considering the thought of him touching me made me want to vomit, but I couldn’t accept my disgust as being a reaction to assault.
The day after my assault, I cried so hard I shook. My body hurt all over. I was violently hungover. It was easy for me to pretend the physical reaction I was having was a rejection of the alcohol and not my body shutting down from what had happened the night before. I did everything in my power to convince myself that what had happened was something I had asked for. I couldn’t bare to think of myself as being a rape victim, even though the circumstances were so black and white.
It’s so easy to think of ourselves as having more control over instances of rape than we do. There is no such thing as perfect or imperfect victimhood, and as obvious as that sounds, believing that for oneself is so much easier said than done. As I’ve stated before and will state again, enthusiastic consent is an extremely simple concept. Situations where enthusiastic consent is absent are always bad. Always.
It took me years and years to accept that he would have known what he was doing, that I was raped on purpose, that he craved power and chose that particular moment to take advantage of me. Our narratives about what counts as rape complicate a very simple thing. Consent must be had to the most clear extent, anything else is a sack of shit.
***
Men who say conversations about safe sex are unsexy are probably riding high on the age-old power trip that allows them to enjoy sex the way they were taught. This usually looks something like ‘overpowering’ sexual prey as an ‘apex predator’ instead of mutually deciding to engage in consensual and loving sex (casual or not).
I can’t remember where I first heard the idea of men sexually pursuing women as predators who hunt and women positioning themselves as prey to be hunted, but the analogy changed how I looked at romantic and sexual pursuits within my life forever. Women are constantly pressured into balancing incompatible traits to come off as relaxed and easy going, accessories to men, vessels of desire. We must be available, but not too available. Sexy, but not slutty. Thin, but not without an ass. Cool and sarcastic, but never really funny. Whatever, whatever. If you haven’t heard this before, go watch the Barbie movie or read a book on the very basics of feminism.
This impossibility of victims containing all the right elements of ‘rightness’ in order to be believed transcends the bounds of gender, age, and profession when we are talking about sexual violence. Women are hysterical and using false accusations as means of garnering attention - if they really didn’t want it they should have closed their legs. Sex workers can’t be raped because they commodify their bodies, if consent is given once, it is given unconditionally. Men are not supposed to talk about anything that weakens their masculinity, and what is more feminine than being physically overpowered or manipulated? The elderly aren’t good victims because who would ever be attracted to someone who isn’t young, bouncy, and easy to infantilize? Children who speak about abuse from family members may be telling the truth, but don’t break up the family. Don’t disgrace your father’s name. Girls who wear low cut tops are basically begging to be carried home and used as sex dolls. Teens in relationships with adults are mature for their age, you just don’t understand their love. Police who rape inmates are justified because the inmates did something bad and rape is a part of prison. Rape is a part of war. Rape is fine when it is done out of desperation or on accident - which is often. Men are so silly and boys will be boys. Women in touch with their sexuality are really just sluts asking for it, and sexually conservative women who are raped are prudes who were just missing out. He was doing them a favor. Men don’t really know what they’re doing half the time. How should he have known any better?
They know better.
***
Men have a fantastically convoluted way of convincing themselves they are separate from all this, even while they actively support institutions that fuel the fire of rape culture at their core. Frats are my favorite and most topical example, not only because they were so relevant to my own assault, but because it is unbelievable to me that anyone could think their frat is different. I have known countless men in fraternities that could convince themselves they’d never known rapists and that they aren’t actively paying dues to a national institution that does nothing except host legally registered parties serving alcohol, drugs, (and so often roofies) to 18 to 23 year old girls behind closed doors without intervention from third party authority.
The same boy who joins a fraternity is three times more likely to commit rape than if the same boy did not. Women in sororities are 75% more likely to be raped than girls who aren’t. Read that again. That statistic alone should be enough evidence for fraternities to cease to exist. They don’t do any significant philanthropic work and they are filled with racism and homophobia beyond comprehension. Diversity in a frat at Boulder meant financial and even then, socioeconomic diversity is a stretch. By ‘financial diversity’, I simply mean some boys paid their own dues instead of their parents doing it, which, I have an extremely hard time believing is any mark of poor financial standing - but I digress.
I have had countless conversations in the past few years with men I know in fraternities. Men I truly care for. I ask them after a girl is roofied, gang raped, and left out on the lawn of the PIKE frat house, ‘How can you stand to be in a fraternity knowing that’s what happens?’ I am always met with the same response.
‘If I knew anyone who raped a girl at my fraternity house, I would drop immediately.’
Well, surprise, whether you know who it is or not, some of your fraternity brothers have very likely committed rape.
The first question to be answered is, how do these boys become so much more violent when they’re in a fraternity than when they’re not in one? My easiest guess would be hazing. Men in the ‘pledging process’ literally physically, sexually, and emotionally abuse each other everyday for months - oh, excuse me, I meant to say haze.
Hazing is done in complete secrecy because it is often under illegal pretenses. So, the moment men enter a fraternity, they are already being indoctrinated with the idea that even if they see or do something bad to themselves or others, they are being loyal to the house if they stay silent and disloyal to their friends if they speak up. Alone, the pay structure of the Greek system is weird. The exorbitant cost of joining a ‘good house’ ensures that members are of a certain financial bracket and thus have an implicit social status. It requires that members contribute to the house a certain level of power for the unified group. There is collateral at stake. Money, status, property, access to women and illicit substances, internal protection through values of secrecy and unconditional loyalty, and the biases of police ensure that fraternities can do whatever they want.
Though not every boy who joins a fraternity joins for these reasons, they become desensitized to the absolute evil of the ones that do. Anyone who has spent time around Greek life has heard the ‘but he’s my boy’ argument used as a reason to remain friends with someone who is racist, misogynistic, homophobic, rapey, the list goes on. There is always a movable line that can never be crossed. Morals within the confines of a fraternity are malleable, because for a cis straight white man, what is a more freeing and power steeped experience than being a brother in a cool fraternity?
When I was assaulted, the boy who raped me was not a part of a fraternity, but all of his friends were. The culture of a fraternity poisons the culture around it. It poisons the corporate world where many employees are hired based on their connections in common with older legacies, it poisons politics, encourages nepotism over talent, and dims the critical thinking skills of men who partake until they are shaken awake the day they have a daughter and worry about other men doing to them what they used to do to girls they thought of as worthless. Most importantly, it stops women who are raped by fraternity brothers or men who are adjacent to fraternities from reporting. I know for a fact if I ever came forward about my assault, I would be met with a monsoon of brothers from two different fraternity houses at CU Boulder who are unconditionally loyal to men they consider to be ‘in’ their circles.
My Dad, who has been introduced to the depths of feminism in more recent years, was the president of IFC at his college. Our conversations about intersectional feminism usually go quite well, but the evil underbelly of the Greek system has always been a hard one to navigate. I understand why. It is never pleasant to realize something you took part in is bad. The same way my conversations with men my age in fraternities usually ends with an uncomfortable silence, my Dad has had to sit with the reality that bad things were likely happening under an organization he helped run.
All of us contribute poorly to society at one point or another, but what do we do when we figure that out later? The answer is unfortunately not to ignore it, which my Dad has come to realize in our more recent conversations. I am very lucky to have family members, and especially a Dad, who are capable of interrogating themselves and understanding new perspectives though it may be difficult.
The same way white people have a ridiculous time trying to find ways to be allies to BIPOC communities without making it about themselves or their guilt, men seem to have an incredibly hard time understanding why the ‘best years of their lives’ were the best because they were able to wield entirely unchecked power against anyone outside of the system they benefited from. Fraternities contribute just as severely to racism, transphobia and homophobia as they do rape culture, but for the sake of this essay we will be focusing on sexual violence.
We hear the term ‘check your privilege’ often, but it has unfortunately become an oversaturated phrase that has lost much of its meaning. Audre Lorde in her lecture The Uses of Anger and Roxane Gay in her book Bad Feminist both talk about how we let our privileges stop us from being effective feminists and activists when we become paralyzed by them. It is important that as social actors and as protectors of each other, we know where we stand, and how our stance can be helpful or harmful to others.
Let’s take myself for example. I am a woman, but white and with parents who have financially supported all of my educational endeavors. Queer, but engaged to a straight man. Chronically ill, but with access to proper health care and necessary medications. I can’t decide to not be white anymore, I can’t (though some may beg to differ) wake up straight, I can’t cure my illnesses with a snap of my fingers. I benefit greatly from the fact that I don’t have student debt. I don’t look visibly queer and am dating a man, so my experiences with homophobia have been limited and (thankfully) never dangerous. These are all important facets of my existence to consider when I enter conversations about activism, but trying to cancel out one facet of privilege with another facet of marginalization only leads us to have pissing contests about who is more or less able to exist in certain spaces. It stops us from being effective.
The question is less about how you are privileged and more about what you do with that privilege. How I impact change in the world is dependent upon me and how I live my life in proximity to others. There’s not much else to do. Certain aspects of ourselves are immovable. The same way I can’t stop being white, queer, or a woman - Audre Lorde describes not being able to change her identity as a black lesbian woman with means to financially support her children.
If you were previously unfamiliar with the term intersectional feminism, these factors of ourselves are largely what separates intersectional feminism from white feminism. White feminism advocates for gender equality with a lack of consideration for what makes different people of different backgrounds more or less affected by systemic, patriarchal oppression. A straight woman is affected by different things than a queer woman. A queer cis woman is affected by different things than a trans woman, you get the idea. None of these facets make people more or less important, rather they allow us to look at change with a helpful framework that considers layers of experience and gives us room for more meaningful and nuanced conversations.
Most people reading this essay are probably familiar with these terms, but many have grown up with the understanding that feminism is ‘man hating’ or prioritizes certain people above others unfairly. The truth is, the world has functioned under extremely unbalanced power structures for all of history. Progress must be made with our wide ranging experiences in mind. It is a way to love and care for one another and identify ourselves productively within the framework of our currently dysfunctional system.
***
Now I’m going to talk about my Dad and his journey with feminism. I use my Dad as an example because he has been such an important part of my recovery and if anything, shows how fruitful feminism can be for everyone, even the most privileged.
My Dad chose to be in a fraternity in college and was actually the president of his IFC. At the time and even until a few conversations ago, he definitely did not understand the extreme level of sexual violence that takes place across the board in fraternities. After talking about it countless times, looking at research and statistics, and recounting my own experience, our conversations have shifted greatly.
While my Dad could not fathom any of his brothers or friends doing something so awful in such close proximity to him, the statistical likelihood and his heavy involvement with me and my assault has forced him to reevaluate. That is incredibly hard. No one wants to look back at times they think of fondly and uncover such darkness, but, he must.
When my Dad was in school: feminism - and especially intersectional feminism - was not playing a role in his life. In 2001, my Mom gave birth to me and my twin sister. He experienced what many other men who have daughters experience - fear. The issues that didn’t exist within his immediate surroundings before having daughters became immediately relevant to him. What if all those awful things I’ve heard about happening happen to my girls? Bad men who weren’t visible before suddenly appear everywhere. Men know how men are and that disgust can make any father’s skin crawl.
I think this is an important shift to pay special attention to. It does not have to be this way. Father’s should be well aware of the world their daughters come into before they experience paternal love and protection, before they fall in love with their partners, before they ever have romantic or sexual interests.
Jenny Holzer has a great truism, Raise boys and girls the same way. The simple phrase could not be more relevant to the divide that exists between men and women and their involvement in social change, especially within spheres of male/female dynamics. Women are taught to expect violence - sexual or not, and men are taught that they are naturally out of control and given leniency in their aggressive sexual advances. My Dad having his most difficult conversations about feminism with me at 53 years old should not come as a shock. If you are raised with immense privilege and ultimate mobility, but never confronted with how that privilege and mobility impacts others, why would you be bothered?
I am exceptionally lucky to have the Dad that I do. My Dad is, on the outside, a seemingly hegemonically masculine ‘bro’, but is in fact one of the most emotional people (male or female) that I have grown up with. My Dad is an extremely caring husband to my Mom, who deserves nothing but the best, and watching their marriage has had extremely positive impacts on my own relationship. From what I can see from the outside, my Dad is the best friend to most of his male friends. He is a rare type of man who opens his ears to other men, giving them space to talk about their feelings without shame, joking, or judgment. It is a shame that deep emotional relationships are so rare between men, but it has been amazing watching my Dad give his peers so much love, support, and affection.
My Dad played football in college, studied religion and economics, was the president of his IFC, met my mom in his early twenties and proposed to her within a year, is an exceptional fiddle player, and loves classic rock and bluegrass. Red is his favorite Taylor Swift album and Meghan The Stallion is his favorite female rapper. He is a huge fan of Crossfit, the Navy Seals, and his pissed off daughter’s artwork which challenges much of the values he grew up with. He is strongly principled, but able to change with the times. He listens to my mom when she rages with me about the dangerous place our country is barreling towards and has spent years talking to me about my assault and learning about the complexity of this world through intersectional lenses and new perspectives. He loves my mom more than life itself, but above all respects her. He has high expectations for me and my sister, but has learned patience and shed some of his stubbornness as we grow into adults. He is dying for grandchildren, but understands my fears about having kids. He loves my fiancé the way anyone would want their partner to be loved and tells me he’s proud of me often. He is not perfect, but he is always trying his best. He is a prime example of what a man can and should be. He displays the ways men can lean into their masculinity without alienating and instead uplifting women. He is protective and strong, but also one of the least intimidating people I’ve ever met. He values other people at his core and that is why he is one of the best men I’ll ever know.
If there are men reading this essay who have been part of a Greek system or want to be a part of one, there is no rule about dying on the hill you chose when you were 18. I think men often shy away from contributing to meaningful change because they don’t want to feel shame. A change in attitude and a change in tolerance to violence should not be a point of shame, but rather an opportunity to learn. Our pasts should never stop us from creating better futures. Whether my Dad would join a fraternity again knowing what he knows, I don’t know - I hope the answer is no. Speaking about change and being changed are very different tasks, and men often fall prey to peer pressure when push comes to shove. I would bet my chips that my Dad has changed by what he’s learned, so then the question becomes - have you?
We are all malleable. There is no excuse for stagnation in the face of discomfort, by now, the arguments in this paper are just a broken record. Any institution that harvests rapists at the rate fraternities do should not exist. No positive aspect of the Greek system can outweigh its harms. Any story of friendship, fun, or community could not possibly hold a candle to the horrors that take place behind closed doors in frat houses. Because of how this country is run, I doubt they will ever go away, but for God’s sake if you’re reading this - how bad does it need to be for you to drop your bid?
When the conversation about rape becomes less about evaluating victims and more about evaluating the systems that lets rape happen, we will see real progress. Until then, we will fight an uphill battle. Men are instrumental in making change. The collective resistance to discomfort leaves people to suffer in silence, which is a much greater burden than the hurt of realizing your own wrongdoings.
The easiest way for college aged men to contribute to liberation is to simply not join the institutions that boast their injustices like Olympic gold medals. There is so much more to do beyond that, but what a great place to start.
REFERENCES:
Gay, Roxane. Bad Feminist: Essays. Harper Perennial, 2024.
“Let’s Get Greek: Sexual Assault Trends within College Greek Life ~ Making Waves.” Our Wave, www.ourwave.org/post/lets-get-greek-sexual-assault-trends-within-college-greek-life. Accessed 2 Oct. 2024.
Lorde, A. Uses of Anger. Daraja Press, 2024.
Srinivasan, Amia. The Right to Sex. Bloomsbury Publishing, 2022.
