I am a product of the gray…

I am a product of the gray. Everything is a spectrum now, isn’t it?

Because for me, sex is never what I cake it up to be-

It’s not red dimmed lights, lace, and warmth

It is the disgusting grunts of a malevolent man. It’s my toes curled into the soles of my feet. It’s a theatrical act I’ve been putting on since I was 17. It’s rage, hatred, mutiny, a dominance I will never have, well because… it’s something that I have always wanted to love, But it disgusts me. It hurts me. It is the most disappointing lie I’ve ever been told

But why? Maybe it's the gray.

My drinking history is equivalent to the canon of the Middle Ages;

dark, bleak, black, suffering.

For the majority of college, every time I drank, I blacked out, and god did I drink.

It’s an unspoken truth that I have a slight drinking problem, and although I go through strong periods of reform,

I am no Martin Luther.

These ‘reforms’ were always after I woke up naked in a random guy’s bed. “Where is my underwear and my left sock and why the fuck am I here?” has been noted in my brain on five different occasions. Five. Five times I did not remember having sex, and if I did- I quickly blacked back out. It hurt so much. Five times of me getting std tested. I never knew if they wore condoms. Five times of me going back home from their houses to quickly resume drinking again. Even if it was 8 am in the morning, on a school day. Five times of never fucking blaming anyone but myself.

Because I was the one who blacked out right? I consented, right?

Welcome to my gray. The gray is where I am unable to admit to myself that I was assaulted. Five times. The gray is knowing that other people share stories about how their boyfriends or one night stands refused to hook up with them because they were too drunk- this has never happened to me, the gray made it feel like a compromise. The gray is where I am finally understanding why I hate sex so much and why it scares me and disgusts me and is never pleasurable. The gray is my broken relationship with straight cis males. Because deep down, deep deep down, I fucking hate every single one of them. Even the couple I said I loved.

My gray is not knowing where I stand. Not knowing if I am ever capable of having intimate sex with a man again. Not knowing if my sexuality has been so suppressed by my own self, that maybe I’ve never been meant to be with them anyway.

My gray feels lonely, guilty, whorish, stupid.

I just want to know if there is anyone out there in the gray.

But maybe it was never gray. It was simply just black and white.

- - - - - - – - - – - -

And last thing I will say, Fuck the friends that never saw my problem and only saw me as their problem, fuck the girls that give a man the ‘benefit of the doubt’, fuck fucking anyone that sees their friend suffering, and talking shit about it. You are the worst kind of friend, fan, wanna be. You are a pitiful human.If you see something say something. Do not whisper it. I am not your rumor, I am not just a name your mouth likes to talk about, I am a woman. I am a human.